How To Win Friends And Influence People

Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don't criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

An animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.

Let’s realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons; they always return home. Let's realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself and condemn us in return.

Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.

Some of the things most people want include:

1. Health and the preservation of life.

2. Food.

3. Sleep.

4. Money and the things money will buy.

5. Life in the here-after.

6. Sexual gratification.

7. The well-being of our children.

8. A feeling of importance.

Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies his heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand and “even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.” The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind in the animals.

If our ancestors hadn’t had this flaming urge for a feeling of importance, civilization would have been impossible. Without it, we should have been just about like animals.

This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children. It is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs and engaging in criminal activities.

If you tell me how you got your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.

Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to find, in the dream land of insanity, the feeling of importance that has been denied in the harsh world of reality.

There are more patients suffering from mental diseases in the United States than from all other diseases combined.

What Is the cause of insanity? Nobody can answer such a sweeping question, but we know that certain diseases, such as syphilis, breakdown and destroy the brain cells resulting in sanity. In fact, about 1/2 of all mental diseases can be attributed to such physical causes as brain lesions, alcohol, toxins and injuries.

But the other half - and this is the appalling part of the story - The other half of the people who go insane apparently have nothing organically wrong with their brain cells.

In postmortem examinations, when their brain tissues are studied under the highest powered microscopes, these tissues are found to be apparently just as healthy as yours and mine. Why do these people go insane? Nobody knows for sure. But many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality.

If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.

The way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

I have yet to find a person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.

Flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does.

Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else. The difference between appreciation and flattery? One is sincere and the other insincere.

If we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person's good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.

There’s an old saying that I’ve cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day:

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.

The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.

If you hadn’t wanted that feeling more than you wanted your money, you would not have made the contribution.

First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walk a lonely way.

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.

Looking at the other person's point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only to your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.

Fundamental techniques in handling people:

1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.

3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.

If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way. Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book entitled what life should mean to you. In that book he says: “it is the individual who is not interested in his fellow man who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.“

I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.

All of us like people who admire us.

For years I made it a point to find out the birthdays of my friends. How? Although I haven’t the foggiest bit of faith in astrology, I began by asking the other party whether he believed the date of one’s birth has anything to do with character and disposition. I didn’t ask him or her to tell me the month and date of birth.

If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone, use the same psychology.

Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers loyalty to your company.

A show of interest, as with every other principal of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street where both parties benefit.

Professor James version. McConnell, psychologist at the University of Michigan, expressed his feelings about a smile. “People who smile,” he said, “tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children.”

You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

Everybody in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

“A man without a smiling face must not open the shop.” - Ancient Chinese proverb

People are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate them at any cost.

Half the time we are introduced to a stranger, we chat for a few minutes and can’t even remember his or her name by the time we say goodbye.

One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: “to recall a voter's name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion.”

We should be aware of the magic contained in the name and realize that the single item is holy and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing… And nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual.

What is the secret, the mystery, of a successful business interview? Well, according to former Harvard president Charles W Elliot, “There is no mystery about successful business intercourse… Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. nothing else is so flattering is that.”

If you want to know how to make people resent you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea what the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Remember that the people you were talking to are 100 times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person's toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills 1 million people. A boil on one's neck interests one more than 40 earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation

The Royal Road to a person‘s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.

Talking in terms of the other person's interest pays off for both parties.

There is one all important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends in constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: always make the other person feel important.

William James said: “the deepest principle in human nature is The craving to be appreciated.” It is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself.

Jesus summed it up in one thought – probably the most important role in the world: “do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

Do you want your friends and associates to be, as Charles Schwab put it, “hearty in their approbation and lavish in their praise.“ All of us want that.

How? When? Where? The answer is: all the time, everywhere.

The life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone would make him feel important.

The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize the importance, and recognize it sincerely.

Emerson said: “every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.“

“Talk to people about themselves, And they will listen for hours.”

Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.

There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument - and that is to avoid it.

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; And if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

Buddha said: “hatred is never ended by hatred but by love, “ And a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint.

“No man who is resolved to make the most of himself,“ said Lincoln, “Can spare time for personal contention. Still less can he afford to take the consequences, including the vitiation of his temper and the loss of self-control. Did larger things to which you show no more than equal rights; and give lesser ones though clearly your own. Better give your path to a dog then be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog would not cure the bite.”

How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

1. Welcome disagreement. “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.“

2. Distrust your first instinct or impression.

3. Control your temper.

4. Listen first.

5. Look for areas of agreement.

6. Be honest.

7. Promise to think over your opponents ideas and study them carefully.

8. Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest.

9. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem

When one yells the other should listen– Because when two people yell, there’s no communication, just noise and bad vibrations.

If you’re going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.

There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.”

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all arguments and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.

We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self-esteem which is threatened.

When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the impalpable fact down our esophagus.

“I made it a rule,” said Franklin, “to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself to use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as “certainly,” “undoubtedly,” Etc., And I adopted, instead of them, “I conceive,” “I apprehend,” or “I imagine” a thing to be so or so, or “it’s so appears to me at the present.”

I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them in a ready reception and less contradiction; I had less modification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right.

“I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.”

If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self criticism than the bear condemnation from alien lips?

When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves – let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.

“If you come at me with your fists doubled,“ said Woodrow Wilson, “I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, “let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we deferred from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,” we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we do for a few and the points on which we agree are many, and if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together.”

Lincoln said “a drop of honey catches more flies in a gallon of gall.” So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great highroad to reason.

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing Dash and keep on emphasizing – the things on which you agree. Keep on emphasizing, if possible, that you were both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.

A “no” response, according to Professor Overstreet, is the most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said “no,” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the “no“ was alibis; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider! Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. Hence it is of the greatest Importance that a person be starting in the affirmative direction.

Let the other people talk. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

If you want friends, let your friends excel you. Why is that true? Because when our friends excel, they feel important; but when we excel them, they - or at least some of them – will feel inferior and envious.

“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of 100 mountain streams is that they keep below them.”

People may be totally wrong. Don’t condemn them. Try to understand them. Honestly put yourself in his place. You will save yourself time and irritation, and you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships.

“Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own.“

A magic phrase that would stop arguments: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.“

Dr. Arthur I Gates set in his splendid book educational psychology. “Sympathy the human species university craves.“

If you want to win people to your way of thinking, be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.

J Pierpont Morgan observed, A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing; one that sounds good and a real one.

All of us like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appear to the nobler motives.

Nothing will work in all cases Dash and nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you’re not satisfied, why not experiment??

This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. You have to use showmanship If you want attention.

Dramatize your ideas.

“The way to get things done, “says Charles Schwab, “is to stimulate competition.“

That is what every successful person loves: the game.

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but“ and ending with a critical statement.

In this case, someone might feel encouraged until they heard the word “but.” They might then question the sincerity of the original praise.

This could easily be overcome by changing the word “but” to “and.”

An effective way to correct others' mistakes is to call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

Owen D Young gave suggestions, not orders. He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes. A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person's pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.

Asking questions not only makes in order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept in order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.

An effective leader will ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by calling someone to lose face. “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.“

Let the other person save face.

Use praise instead of condemnation. Praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.

B. F. Skinner's teachings: this great contemporary psychologist has shown by experiments with animals and with humans that when criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.

What Mr. Roper did was not just flat on the young printer and say “you’re good.“ He specifically pointed out how his work was superior. Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific it comes across as sincere.

Nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.

The principles told in this book will work only when they come from the heart

“The average person,” said Samuel Vauclain, “Can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.”

If you want to excel in the difficult leadership role of changing the attitude or behavior of others, give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

Be liberal with your encouragement, make the things seem easy to do, let the person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.

The technique of giving titles in authority worked for Napoleon and it will work for you.

Effective effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.

2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.

3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.

4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.

5. Match those benefits to the other person's wants.

6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

It is naïve to believe you will always get a favorable reaction from other persons when you use these approaches, but the experience of most people shows that you are more likely to change attitudes this week than by not using these principles.

Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.